There will be days when you mourn the loss of your eating disorder. There will be moments of anger and frustration and times when you will want to reverse all of the progress you have made. I have experienced these feelings over and over again in treatment. The most important takeaway from this? Recovery is not linear. Sure you can say it, but to truly believe this statement is another thing entirely.
I thought that I would spend 32 days in residential treatment, the average duration for the average resident. Instead, I have been here going on two months and I still go through days of fear and hopelessness. However, despite my shaky progress, I know I am recovering because of each small recovery moment in between.
Recovery moments: How you know you’re recovering.
- Eating that oatmeal raisin cookie. Not just eating it, but truly enjoying it.
- My first 100% completion of breakfast, the hardest meal of the day.
- Finishing my carrot cake because I deserved it.
- Placing self love at the top of my priority list.
- Not letting the hunger and fullness cues of others define my own.
- Internalizing the phrase: “You are enough. You have always been enough.”
- Hearing the old Georgia’s voice louder than the voice of the eating disorder.
An eating disorder is often a means of exposing something true about yourself. What I have learned through this journey is of the utmost importance: I need to find my own voice. I need to be able to speak up and stand up for myself without anorexia. An emaciated body will no longer be my means for communication. Words are just so much easier.