Eating disorders are so incredibly strong. Just when I thought I had restored enough weight to make it on my own and step down to a lower level of care, ED grew louder yet again. I have been in PHP (partial hospitalization program) for only a week now and the recommendation was changed back to residential. I will now have to return to 24/7 care starting Friday.
I have a lot of reservations about returning to residential. I have already spent ten weeks there and when I discharged, I said my sorrowful goodbyes and farewells. I wished everyone good luck and they wished the same for me. I feel like my return will disappoint the staff there that I had grown so close to. They will now know that I was not successful on my own.
My second reservation is a little harder to come to terms with, and even harder to write about. I am much farther along in my weight restoration process then I was when I began residential the first time around. That time, I desperately needed the care and the treatment. This time however, I feel that I don’t deserve it. Somehow, my brain has decided that because I am physically a bit healthier, the attention and the help should not be wasted on me.
Regardless, I am going to do whatever I can to make recovery a reality. That starts with weight restoration and gaining back my full physical ability, no matter how deathly scary that may sound. However hard this continuing process may be, I will cling to one solitary mantra that has helped me through so many times before: “remember how happy you were before the eating disorder.”
I was at first hesitant to post this update, because I felt it was too brutally honest with a slight air of negativity. Then I read back through some of my old posts and realized I had been continually writing about how recovery is not linear and my progression is merely an example of this. Yes, I must step up to a higher level of care but that does not mean I am giving up. If anything I am pushing for recovery even harder, and making it my top priority.
Please don’t be ashamed if you have set backs in your recovery journey. Of the utmost importance is to try not to blame yourself. I know it can be hard, and I know that the easiest thing to do is self blame, but it is not your fault. An eating disorder is a cruel and nasty disease that lives inside the brain but it can be overcome. Take one step at a time and don’t worry about the fall backs.