I am sick of trying to shrink myself just to please other people, just to be accepted. I am tired of trying to achieve a perfectly flat stomach and an entirely unrealistic thigh gap. I am realizing that this so called “goal” will destroy me, that it will keep me sick, that it will lead to an unfulfilling life.
I am sick of poor body image, of low confidence and self criticism. I am tired of looking in the mirror and picking myself apart piece by piece. I am realizing that I am enough as I was made naturally, and now who I became through starvation.
I am sick of baggy sweatshirts and long T shirts that cover the parts of my body that I want to hide. I am tired of covering up to avoid judgment from others. I am realizing that my body does not define my worth, that who I am as a person means so much more.
I am sick of resisting weight restoration and fighting against my body’s natural inclination to return to a healthy weight. I am tired of starvation and restriction. I am realizing that I will be so much happier once I am nourished, and I am realizing that I deserve food just as much as anyone else.
A very important person to me in this recovery process once said to me, “Everyday you wake up and you have to make a choice.” Everyday, it is a conscious decision. You have to decide not to choose self hatred, decide not to criticize and critique yourself, decide to be kind to yourself for that day. Self love will not come naturally at first, confidence is not something you will just wake up with. It is a choice you must make every morning before you start the day, and something you must reflect upon every night.