This morning I woke up to a rainy, drizzly day. If you know me, this is my absolute favorite weather. It means hot coffee and cozy sweaters, sitting in a cafe or maybe curling up and watching a movie. Waking up to the pattering of rain on the roof, I was in a great mood. I felt like nothing could stop me from truly enjoying the day.
I had a doctors appointment to check up on my weekly progress, and I was excited to get through it and return home to enjoy an afternoon with my family.
At the appointment, I was told that I had made my first step towards weight gain since I was released from residential treatment last month.
“Yes! Finally, I am moving forward.”
Okay, so maybe this wasn’t really what popped into my head…
What I was actually thinking was, “Wow Georgia, you gained weight. You’ve been eating far too much. You need to slow down and probably start doing some cardio.”
But then I started to go on with my day and the thought of restricting brought me so much sadness. A wave of desperation washed over me as I thought about returning to the misery of reducing my food intake, of making it through the hours without any energy.
The truth was, despite my small gain, I had still woken up as hungry as ever that morning, and my body was still fighting to return to a healthy weight again. Why did something that should have been so natural – weight gain – need to ruin my entire day? Why was I so mad at myself for something as simple as hunger?
As I thought more about it, I realized I didn’t have to do this to myself. I didn’t have to listen so wholeheartedly to what Ed was saying. Hadn’t I been so much happier in the past week listening to my body, rather than the demon in my head?
So I am now sitting in a cafe, the rain still coming down on the window beside me. I am enjoying my morning snack and a coffee to go along with it. Today, regardless of weight gain, I have committed to recovery. Today, I am choosing recovery because it makes me happy. I don’t know where I will be tomorrow or the next day, but that doesn’t really matter to me right now. Because today, I am going to make it a good day, and Ed isn’t going to get in the way of that.