There was a time…

There was a time…

When I feared upcoming doctor appoints,

When I was scared of the fine line I walked between school and treatment.  

There was a time…

When I felt utterly numb and closed off to my emotions

When food was my absolute enemy

When even the sight of butter made me squirm.

There was a time…

When my life was reduced to what I was eating – or rather, what I wasn’t eating, and how much I was walking in a day.

There was a time…

When I thought that this way of living would be my forever

When I truly could not fathom a life without Anorexia.

There was a time…

when the number on the scale defined absolutely everything.

This was one year ago.

And now today, there are times…

When I choose to eat ice cream, to go out to dinner with my friends, or to snack while watching a TV show

Choosing recovery means that today, there are times…

When I feel truly happy with myself

When I feel like I am really enough.

There are times…

When I look around at my life and I wonder why I gave all of it up for Anorexia.

When my brain isn’t thinking only about food.

When I live utterly in the moment.

I don’t wan’t to oversimplify or minimize recovery.  There are still times when I really struggle with the person I am now.  There are times when I miss the simplicity of being “sick.” A lot of my identity was tied up in being that person, and now I feel almost bare without the cloak of malnourishment.  It can sometimes be scary to feel as though the real, true me is now exposed. But it can also be invigorating.

The happiness I have found in my recovery journey thus far so outweighs the struggles I still go through.  Actually feeling my emotions is so much better than stumbling through life, barely aware of what is going on.  I would say I still have a lot of work to do and I am definitely not “there” yet. But what I think is so exciting is that despite only being at the beginning, I am already reaping the benefits of choosing recovery.  

I have learned that I am not going to wake up one day miraculously “recovered.”  It is going to take time for my body to trust me again, for my brain to realize that food is literally just food, not some kind of frightening monster.  But I have also learned that if I simply choose recovery every single day, then that will be enough. Eventually, I will get “there,” it will just take time and a whole lot of perseverance.  

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